is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
