last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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