I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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