im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
