I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
