Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
