You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
