I could have mohawked her pubes.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
