dude i'm inner monologue high
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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