I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
