Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
