Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
