i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think my moral compass just broke
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
