I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
