i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
