I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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