im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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