9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
