Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
