Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
