Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
