I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
