How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
