you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
