you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
