i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
