So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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