I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
