Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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