I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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