Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
