I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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