if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
