btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
