new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
