i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
