So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
