I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
