i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
