Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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