just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
