Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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