He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
