I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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