White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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