He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
