My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
