my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
