hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
