I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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