that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
