dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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