thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
